As a family coach, Martin Sievers works with parents of babies and toddlers. He finds that many people focus too much on the child. He has a crucial tip for sleepless nights.
The play landscapes that Martin Sievers sets up in his courses at the Hamburg birth center in Ottensen do not keep a child in its mother's womb for long. There are ledges and a slant, something to pull up and an old rotary telephone. The 66-year-old movement educator, who works as a family coach, is an expert in all things being a child. Because it can sometimes be quite loud in the birthing center, the conversation takes place in the kitchen at home.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: Is there a child you will never forget?
Martin Sievers: I remember lots and lots of children. I particularly remember one child, let's call her Paula. Paula needed very close physical contact with her mother over many, many months in the course, while the other children had long since conquered the room and crawled, crawled or pulled themselves up. And then, when Paula was eleven months old, she started to catch up in a very short time. She started crawling, crawling, pulling herself up. And from then on she was the bravest one in the room. For me, this is a very touching example of how children come from security to independence.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: The love for the little person who is suddenly there is huge. Nevertheless, many young parents quickly become disillusioned.
Sievers: Yes, reality is often very different than the imagination. In my opinion, this is partly because there are far fewer children than there used to be. In this way, a kind of ideal is formed that is not corrected by everyday experiences. I also think that social media plays a role; a lot of images are created there, including those of great motherhood and great fatherhood. It is incredibly rewarding to be with children. And there is the other side, which is strenuous and can sometimes be very demanding and sometimes overwhelming. A lot of it depends on the conditions.
When the African village is missing
WORLD ON SUNDAY: What conditions do you mean specifically?
Sievers: A numerical example: 92 percent of all three-month-old babies are exclusively with their mother. And that old African saying still applies: It takes a village to raise a child. But we often have different conditions. Being alone with a baby for a whole day is exhausting, challenging, and there aren't many breaks.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: The topic of sleep concerns many people. Do you have a tip?
Sievers: There are no patent recipes. Every family is different, every child is different, and I think it is also very helpful to take a closer look at the child. When is it tired, what does it need then? Having realistic expectations also helps. In my opinion, falling asleep and staying asleep independently is not a developmental step that has to be taken at the beginning of life. Parents often have a different idea.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: What can help when the nights are particularly hard?
Sievers: A good division of labor between the carers. There are phases that are particularly stressful for breastfeeding mothers, namely when the child wants to breastfeed every two hours or more at night. One of many possibilities could then be that the child sleeps with the father and is brought to the mother to breastfeed, and is otherwise comforted by the father. Being able to sleep for three or four hours at a time again means a lot to mothers.
When you have sleepless nights, Dad takes over
WORLD ON SUNDAY: Then the peace and quiet is gone for your partner too. What is the reaction?
Sievers: Sometimes the mothers want to protect the men because their work is so strenuous. I think it's more the other way around. A day alone with a child is often more challenging. I have heard of many good experiences with this model. Because the fathers who are concerned about this topic are often at a point where their partner's chronic overtiredness makes the situation difficult for everyone. The men just want to know what they can do specifically. And that's something they can do.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: When the children are older, everything can be planned so well, but things still happen, often out of the blue. The child is blind with anger or inconsolable. What's going on there?
Sievers: These are characteristics of ego development and autonomy, beginning at the age of 18 months, but often become apparent earlier. A very important, necessary development step. The children start with a kind of basic training in dealing with feelings and conflicts. For this they need support. One essence of this time is: the “I” comes before the “you”, the “no” comes before the “yes” and the “mine” before the “yours”. It needs support, which means: “I see your feelings, they are allowed to exist, there is permission for them.” This is the prerequisite for the feelings to go away again.
Two chiefs are one too many
WORLD ON SUNDAY: Sometimes those days are particularly stressful when the whole family is together. Why?
Sievers: Children need clarity in their speech. When the whole family is together, the situation is sometimes unclear. The children don't know who is actually in charge here today, mom or dad? Sometimes it makes sense for parents to come to an agreement and say who is responsible. That can change from time to time. Children can usually handle this. What confuses them are two chiefs who don't pull together.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: There are parents who focus a lot on their child. How do you see that?
Sievers: Yes, I notice that, and it has become significantly more in recent years.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: What is the reason?
Sievers: We had a very rigid upbringing for decades. There are now other ideas, one of which is needs-based education. Look at the child, what does he need? But there is often a misunderstanding because parents also have needs. And it is important that they are taken into account as well, otherwise at some point you will not have the strength to be there for a child.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: How does this show up?
Sievers: I hear from some mothers that they are unable to meet basic needs such as showering, going to the toilet, or eating in peace. Burnout is also being talked about more and more often. In this case, it is particularly important to leave the child with other trusted caregivers in order to spread the care across several shoulders.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: What advice do you have for parents who say, “This won’t work with our child”?
Sievers: It's possible, I say. It's a question of determination. Children's wish is: “Be bigger, stronger and wiser than me and please be benevolent.” If children always experience times in which they receive all the attention, they also master those phases in which this is not the case. If constant mode dictates that they always have to share attention, children become dissatisfied.
Why children become dissatisfied
WORLD ON SUNDAY: How you live as a family also has a decisive influence on whether parents stay together.
Sievers: Yes, that's right. The Fathers Report from the Federal Ministry for Family, Women, Senior Citizens and Youth 2023 points to a remarkable connection. Couples who share care equally are happier and the divorce rate is lower. And there is another interesting figure: For fathers who take three months or more of parental leave, this has a positive effect on the future distribution of tasks. This means that once you have put everything together, you stick with this model. For the parent who otherwise does not stay at home with the child, one experience seems to be crucial: I am completely alone with the child. And only now do I understand what that's like.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: A lot has happened in terms of equality in the last twenty years. Where is the problem?
Sievers: What's interesting is that many fathers have a different plan before the child arrives. Fifty percent of all expectant fathers want equal responsibility for the child, only 20 percent live it. Many people are not yet able to experience how rewarding it can be to primarily care for a child. The most widespread model is that mothers reduce their working hours and fathers work full time.
Things are different in Iceland
WORLD ON SUNDAY: Are there countries that do it differently?
Sievers: Iceland has a model that provides five months of parental leave for mothers and five months of parental leave for fathers, plus three months that the other can take in addition. 96 percent of all fathers take five months of parental leave. So it's completely normal for fathers to be alone with their children for a long time at the very beginning. What you have to say: More parental allowance is paid, so there is also a financial incentive. But it is socially clear: men do it. I would also like that for Germany.
WORLD ON SUNDAY: Children usually demand something from you that you have been able to successfully avoid until now. You are also a father yourself. How is it for you?
Sievers: I can think of many very happy moments that I experienced with my son. But I also reached my limits. I wanted to be the perfect father and thank God I didn't become one. That was intense learning. Children hold up a mirror to us and sometimes we don't like what we see. They point out things to us that we haven't yet figured out. We can push it away or see it as an opportunity. I used it, luckily.
Martin Sievers was born in 1958 Hamburg was born and worked in his “first life” as a print manufacturer. With the birth of his son, he switched gears and became a movement teacher. Since 2003 he has been offering parent-child courses for baby massage and “with KiK (in contact with the little ones)”. He is a systemic consultant for early childhood and course leader “Strong Parents – Strong Children” as well as a Shiatsu practitioner.
Eva Eusterhus has been reporting for WELT and WELT AM SONNTAG since 2006 Hamburg. As a mother of three children, she swears by baby carriers and bassinets.
